A: What do you want?
B: A lot of really great sex.
B: well… yeah. Life is to hard and short to not live it passionately and grab as much happiness as you can. If the next twenty years is anything like the past twenty years I might not make it through. I want to laugh in life. ha, and moan I guess would be accurate.
Home has become a fluid thing. Something that appears and dissapears depending on time and space.
‘I was wrong’ are three of the hardest words to say. The sentance goes right up there with, ‘I love you’ and ‘please forgive me’. These are words that hold weight, have heavy meaning, but they are also words that make the speaker vulnerable. It puts the speaker verbally kneeling to the other individial. What if you say “I love you, I know I was wrong, will you please forgive me?” and it doesnt matter? Or worse yet, it could have mattered, but now it’s too late. It’s amazing how much punch a word can hold, how much it can affect another individual, and how life alteriing they can really be. A lack of communication or misunderstanding can be deadly and too much information can be the same. Words that were meant for one person and given to another, words that were stolen or re-gifted, words that were never spoken or spoken to late are painful to see, painful to say, and mostly painful to hear. They are spoken anyway, unable to be kept inside. Spoken anyway because the word would fester inside, eating away at the lining of our imagination. Eating away because the words contain things we call thoughts and ideas. Words, letters, phrases, make an intangible substance tangible in the form of a language. It somehow attempts to contain thousands of years of history and philosophy in mere marks on a page or sounds from a mouth. With those marks and sounds we try to show what is inside of us no matter how painful it may be.
All of that is to say, “I love you, I know I was wrong, I hope you can forgive me” - the three hardest marks to make on a page.
There is a story of a woman created from the dust of the earth as Adam was created from the dust of the earth. Her name was Lilith. She was created so that Adam would not be alone and they were formed as equals.
She was headstrong, determined, and nowhere close to being submissive. She was unfit for a relationship with Adam. Unfit for humanity to come from her womb.
Long story short, she flew away and was punished by becoming the Queen of Demons. She was created to cause sickness and pain. Then Eve was formed from Adam. Eve was the better match. Eve was submissive and everything that Adam wanted in a companion. Lilith was forgotten.
I am the daughter of Lilith. Headstrong, Determined, and Unfit.
I am not constrained. I do not fit into my own plans. My self-portrait is not contained in my face. I am not constrained in my body, my physical self, my own ideas. Physical things change and move, ideas change and evolve. bursting at the seams.
or where am I? where is real and truth and possibility? Read Descartes, Kirkegarde, Plato, Kahlil Gibran, understand life intellectually. understand “being” intellectually…. it makes no sense to me. reading about life builds walls around me that i cannot see through. I thought experiencing it would help. even experience through others, learn from my own experience and what i learn from others. relationships. conversations. dialogue. but instead i learned not to trust others. or myself. i have found myself lacking in… well everything. so where am i? what can i trust? not people, not myself, not the ‘truths’ that i grew up with… what is left? the only thing that i understand are images. i feel like a child saying that. i need a picture book. but i think in images. in color. you want to know how i feel? whats going on in my mind?
let me show you a painting in my art history book or splash some color on a page for you right now. i understand the mark making in philosophy better than the syllogisms. the color pallet better than the argument.
my dear boyfriend told me he loved me. i told him i didnt understand, so he photographed me. then i understood. i was stunned with the way he saw me. he saw me as more beautiful than i am. but i understood.
but i have no images for my mind, no images for understanding the next step that i am going to take. so what is left?
Forwards, backwards, no. just sideways. maybe sideways in a forward direction? vertical maybe? diagonal perhaps. anything but backwards. just backwards anyways. maybe it all balances out. maybe backwards + the same amount of forwards= just sideways movement. At least there’s movement.
Just registered for classes that i dont know how i’m going to pay for. Moved into an apartment that i go between loving and hating. Mostly loving now… progress has been made.
Two jobs for sure, another in limbo. But all in the art field. So i wont hate them all the time. Progress.
God. yes? Church. definately not. maybe never again. I can see that now. but we’ll see, its not completely out of question. Well, nothing can be when everything is in question. is questioning progress? (yes, i realize the irony of that)
and finally art. the most important. It encompases all the other: My education, vocation, and theology. So it too has been in question. Many questions and little studio time - I dont go to church after all. Church is… well, it must be based in fellowship. and what is fellowship? I’m not sure, but i know i find it in my studio.. on good days. i know it is what my brushes and paint and canvas have in their relationship to eachother. Maybe I am waiting to find that with people? i just havent found it in a building filled with people of “like faith” - whatever that means.
But… I’m in a collective now. I’m showing in galleries pretty consistently. and the Art Academy of Cincinatti is getting paid for. so that’s progress.
But is progress still being made? or is it just stepping sideways?
At least I’m moving.
so. here we go. entering new places, times, and creations. entire worlds are beings created, renewed, and discovered. and i’m not sure where to go. all i know for sure is that i cant go back. i cannot turn around. i cannot revert back to my old self. progress had been made and truths found. but lies, fears, insecurities, and bitterness is grossly seductive.
i’m learning stamina.
Tonight I am watching “Les Miserables” with my momma and it struck me, how unique a vocalists gift is. How unique to have your instrument, your tools, inside of you. to have your tool, so intimately a part of you. How I desire that intimacy with my brushes and paint.
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Ten things pulling me to a hundred different sides.
Cutting and ripping just enough to pull apart. and you ask what this is about? Isnt it obvious.
It would be if you took the time to look. It would be if you knew.
But I’m scared and foolish and alone. finally alone. no bounds no restraints but the ones I put upon myself. No hurts but the ones I allow myself. The moment there is vulnerability you’ve chosen to allow hurt. Hurt you can’t necessarily handle in a healthy way. In a productive, good, moral way. There is no desire to be moral now. No desire to be constructive. Deconstructive, wild, unrestrained to distract. anything to distract from the pulling. anything to distract from the obvious.
There isnt a distraction from it. there isnt a way to move beyond it. there is only dealing. there is only coping. there is only what is just enough to subsist now. subsisting in the personal and succeeding in the public.
but is there regret? i dont know. not yet. only learning. only stretching. always stretching and pulling.
stretching and pulling apart the parts that are missing. searching for the broken vessels pieces, the chips that have fallen, the section that smashed,
the woven fabrics color. i see only reds and deep blues. scarred and separated. scared and apart. separated and raw. somehow always raw and seemingly unhealing.
Acquaintances, Friends, Lovers.
New, Worn In, Old.
Beginning, Middle, End.
Where do we go from here?
I am built on nothing more than sinking sand and drowning fools. The sand beside me and the fools above me. When depth of value escapes, my skin leaps out for any grace. “Grace and Love” I say, and not one without the other. But one so rarely comes. I take it and hide it away only to find that once I stowed one away, it could not one be without the other. The one forgot to clean the hole it left so ragged and stained. Maybe next time I’ll catch the other. Maybe next time I’ll catch another. Maybe next time… If there can be the day my skin does not leap for grace or value escapes the skin that leaps. Maybe I’ll learn to wait.
It begins with a well intentioned “see you later”, continues with a change in schedule or geography, and finalizes itself in goodbye.
Then I look around and am comforted in paint brushes and canvas, and on a good day, they speak back to me. But like every relationship, we have our arguments. Distance grows and I dont know where I started. Somewhere things changed, somehow priorities moved, and I left my brushes out thinking I’d be back sooner.
But brushes can be bought, paint still mixed, the distance between people however is much more difficult to overcome. I wish I could only use a little paint thinner to get them moving again, or sometimes hammer the bracer bars together…. But the well intentioned “see you later” becomes next month or year, and instead, my brushes and I are left alone together. A bittersweet comfort.
What if we could start with the ending and work our way to the beginning?
Is it truly better to do and then ask for forgiveness or is it better to act cautiously?
In the end, prince charming was lovely and took the princess to a far away land where they lived happily ever after.
There was an evil step mother who turned into a dragon and attempted to slay the princess but the prince saves her.
the princess is happy and content but dreaming. The beginning.
Or would it be edited?
In the end, prince charming was lovely
and took the princess to a far away land where theybut she moved on and lived happily ever after.
There was an evil step mother who turned into a dragon and attempted to slay the princess
but the prince saves her,[but she reasoned with the dragon and the dragon chilled out for a second]
the princess is happy and content but dreaming. The beginning.
The End. The Beginning. Yes. No. Acquiesce. Distrust. Lie. Consume. Distract. Move on. Purple Dinosaur…
It doesnt make sense to me either way. The Beginning. The End. A or Z. Blue wire. Red Wire.
After All, doesnt it all STOP either way?
What is the big plan? I know how to get from A to Z… but what about all the little decisions between B and C or M and N? Because those little decisions create what kind of an ending its going to be. Is the story a novel, biography, historical fiction, or fantasy? Is the painting going to be gestural, minimalistic, abstract, or surreal?
Painting makes it seem so easy to me. I start with a sketch, decide on the basic composition and subject matter. In the beginning I fix whatever problems I see to prevent issues in the future. Then I block my colors in, and work from there. blocking, brushing, splattering, blowing, shaking, finger painting wherever I need… and it grows on its own. But I know the steps. I know the tools. I know what I see.
In A to Z I don’t even know if my reality, my view, my bias is correct. Much less do I know about the tools needed in making the decision of how to get to B… Much less C and D and M and N. Or for that case, learning how to prevent problems in the future…
I do know I want my painting to be beautiful but not fluffy, truthful and honest, straightforward and interesting, planned and spontaneous, and colorful but nor garish. There is always more that I want, but that list seems to suffice for now…
I know you’re big and I know you love me lots. I just wish you would let me know whats going on. Seems change is the only constant and if you could let me in on your big plan, even a little, I’d much appreciate it.
Happiness is a balance- the equilibrium in life. Too much ice cream… you get sick. Too much futility weakens your soul. Too little healthy food and salads… your body hates you for a bit. Too little indulgence and your soul gets sore.
don’t worry to much, be passionate but not overwhelming, keep it simple, and love carefully. You spend your whole life learning, growing, and undoing what you originally thought was important. I’ve heard it said, “In painting, you begin on the canvas, then you spend the rest of the time fixing and re-working what you did wrong the first time” I’ve heard the same thing about life, “You grow up and learn and learn and learn and then you find out that all you really need to do is ‘unlearn’ all of the complicated details that you thought were important.”
“All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.”
These are the things I learned:
- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- Don’t hit people.
- Put things back where you found them.
- Clean up your own mess.
- Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
- Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
- Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
- Take a nap every afternoon.
- When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
- Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
- Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
- And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
(^written by Robert Fulghum)
epistemology - how do you know that you know what you know?
philosophy - the love of truth/ the search for wisdom
In my search for truth and wisdom, how will I know when I find it?
Guidance perhaps. I could look to the older and mature for what they believe is wisdom.
Logic perhaps. I could look for the syllogisms and fallacies in life.
Intuition perhaps. There is always a gut instinct to what is right and wrong…
But Guidance fails when there are wise men who think opposing thoughts. And logic fails when the abstract thoughts go beyond reason; When science fails and nature takes over. And intuition fails when its human. And I am only human. Only Finite. Limited. Contained. Looking for the infinite, free, and brilliant. but how do i know when i find it? This all seems rather circular.
i miss you too! we need to hang out soon
These past few weeks I have not been writing because I have been in a huge whirlwind of confusion. Questions of Epistemology and Ontology and other “ology”s have been escaping reason. Well, at least escaping my understanding of their reason. I previously thought that my presuppositions were where I could start. That I had already questioned them enough. It seems to be, however, that I have to take one giant leap backwards in order to take a few baby steps forward.
How, on assumptions, logic, and reason are we to know anything in the abstract world of thought? You can have logical assumptions, but isnt that all they are? Assumptions? Is that at all bad? Can assumptions be good if they have logic and reason behind them? They have to be - it seems to me its all we have.
For instance, I know there is a God. That is an assumption that has been questioned, and I find enough evidence in the world to find it reasonable. But lets build on top of that.
Is that God all of the great “Omni”s? well, if He wasnt, would He even be a god? The Greek and Roman gods were merely glorified humans, similar to Superman or Spiderman.
How do you know it is a good God? What happens to the problem of pain?
How do you know He is perfect? Perfect relative to our standard of flawlessness? Or perfect according to maturity and wholeness?
Baby steps forward….
Whenever you begin a road trip, you need to know which way is North. From North, you can figure out which way is South, East, and West. You perhaps could use a Garmin, but GPS devices often lead me the wrong way or take me an extra long route… And you never know for sure if it is correct until you get to your destination. When you start deconstructing what you believe in, you need to understand your presuppositions. When you have a basic, foundational set of beliefs that you have already questioned and doubted, you can start to find your East and West.
Here is my North:
1. He is.
- There is a God
- He is Good
- He loves me
2. He is BIG
- He created Everything
- He is all the “Omni’s”
- He is Trandscendant and Imminent
- He is Love. The beginning of love and without Him there is no love.
3. There is an Absolute
4. Christianity - the CORE, not the religion, people, or off-shoots is the most correct truth that I have found. Therefore, all other answers that I find, must correspond with this CORE of truth.
These are the basics, my starting point. I obviously have a lot to learn. I also have many questions. But I know my North now. I’m looking for my South, West, and East.
Funny things happen on a Red Eye flight. Airplanes are not particularly comfortable, so lack of sleep is a given. On this specific flight, I began sketching and thinking and list-making. I am a chronic list maker. I write down ideas, goals, to-do’s, anything that should be organized into a list. On this particular flight I decided to write down my premises, presuppositions, and questions about life in general. Around 2:30 in the morning, I looked out of the tiny window next to me and I saw the dark sky change, pass behind me, and the mid-morning hours come up upon the horizon in the beginning of a rainbow. Below the plane, it looked like glowing bronze. The lights in some big city were on and they looked burning. Just the way I felt right then - Changing, burning, wanting more… more questions and answers.
I’m going to have an adventure. I’ve decided. I’m going to live out my questions and seek out answers constantly; actively ready to challenge, conquer, and fail. But most importantly, ask and learn.
Here is my starting point:
1. Doubt is Good
2. Answers beget more Questions
3. One should Question Everything and Everyone
Simple enough it seems. I’ve been writing in this journal I’ve bought for this specific venture. In it contains all my goals, premises, presuppositions, and questions. Hopefully, it will begin to contain answers as well. One of my goals is to write here, every week or month, and document my findings, ideas, and questions. Maybe then, as long as I am consistently searching, I’ll figure something out. :)